He sat me down one day and said, ‘Remember this, George, the birds fuck the bees.’ Then he told me he once banged a girl so hard her freckles came off. It was my uncle who taught me about the birds and the bees. Soon enough you’ll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family. Once you leave out all the bullshit they teach you in school, life gets really simple. When I saw Bambi it was the midnight show.

I’ll cut your eye out and go right on telling jokes. Fuck it, I’m ready! I never perform without my can of mace. And show business, too! Wouldn’t you like to see a guy jump up on stage and stab some famous singer? Especially a real shitty pop singer? Maybe they’ll even start stabbing comedians. If we’re lucky, it’ll spread through sports. I like the idea of it it’s good entertainment. And although I have nothing against Monica Seles, I’m glad somebody in sports got stabbed. THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR: ‘Please stop sucking my dick or I’ll call the police.

There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls. If the shoe fits, buy another one just like it. You show me a lazy prick who’s lying in bed all day, watching TV, only occasionally getting up to piss, and I’ll show you a guy who’s not causing any trouble. I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to. Planet, species, race, nation, state, religion, party, union, club, association, neighborhood improvement committee I have no interest in any of it. No matter how you care to define it, I do not identify with the local group. Let these quotes inspire you! Brain Droppings QuotesĪnd although I broke a lot of laws as a teenager, I straightened out immediately upon turning eighteen, when I realized the state had a legal right to execute me. We compiled a list of 23 quotes that best summarise the message of George Carlin in Brain Droppings. Nothing changed.If you’re looking for the best Brain Droppings quotes you’ve come to the right place. I put a dollar in one of those change machines.Have you ever noticed the lawyer is always smiling more than the client?.A tree: first you chop it down, then you chop it up.What year did Jesus Christ think it was?.Also included are two timeless bonus items from the past, 'A Place for Your Stuff' and 'Baseball-Football.' Readers will get an inside look into Carlin's mind, and they won't be disappointed by what they find:

Filled with thoughts, musings, questions, lists, beliefs, curiousities, monologues, assertions, assumptions, and other verbal ordeals, Brain Droppings is infectiously funny. Now, for the first time, Carlin has produced a book of original humor pieces, Brain Droppings.

With nearly 20 albums, two Grammys, two Cable ACE awards, and more HBO specials sunder his belt than anyone else, George Carlin is more popular than ever.

Brain droppings